Jury Duty

Today's the day.

First, a word about my life etc: my last final was the Friday before last and I moved back into my parents' house that same day. (Done with my first year of college, woo.) So I've been home now for a little over a week, and yesterday conflict had already started to ignite. Probably more on that later. Suffice it to say, being here at the courthouse is preferable to being home with my mom right now.

Okay, so I was summoned for jury duty at the very end of my winter break (when I was only 18–I didn't expect to get a summons so soon), and I deferred it until I got back from school. I didn't quite know what to expect. It's about 10 right now, and I've been here since 7:40. I'm sitting in a room with about a hundred people, most of whom are either on their laptops like myself or watching some sports thing on TV. It's pretty quiet right now, but earlier a judge came in to talk to us and we had to watch this video that was actually pretty informative. In an attempt to give a "fair and balanced" summary of jury duty, I'll list the pros and cons for you:

Pro:
–The chairs here are wicked comfy. I mean seriously, they're these huge padded black leather-ish chairs with a little bit of bounce to them. The only way this could be better is if they spun, but I would probably have made myself sick to my stomach already if I'd been in a spinny-chair this whole morning. I know for a fact that these chairs are new, and they used to have these shitty blue plastic chairs here instead. Okay I'm rambling now. Sorry.
–Pretty good wi-fi here. I haven't tried watching Netflix or anything yet (and I've been here more than two hours, so that's some kind of record for me), but it seems to be pretty fast.
–I've actually been really productive. I thought I would just watch Doctor Who or something, but I've actually written several pages of a play I just started working on, sent out several emails trying to get babysitting work for the next few weeks, and have organized some of my files and documents better. Part of me worries that if I try to start watching something, I'll just fall asleep. Which would be really awkward.

Con:
–I got up at 6:25 this morning. I honestly can't remember getting up that early since I was in high school. (Just one of the reasons I love college–I haven't had a class before 10 a.m. all year.) Which is kind of funny, because the courthouse I am currently sitting in is literally like four blocks from my high school. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night (not unusual), so I'm running on about five hours of sleep and some granola right now. And lunch isn't for another two hours...
–I'm probably going to be here until five p.m., and I only get paid $10 for the day. Which is better that I'd make otherwise (I work at a summer camp that doesn't start for weeks, so I'm not currently working)
–The fact that I have to go to my job in a few weeks means that I can't get put on an interesting case (like a murder), because those trials can last for weeks. If I get put on a case at all, it'll probably be some boring traffic thing–which I'll still take it seriously, because this is someone's life.

Bitch

Today's been kind of a shitty day, and not just because I woke up at 8:30, still drunk, and started vomming into my trash can.* I got in a fight with my best friend last night–by far the worst one we've had (in the year that we've been friends). She called me a bitch, and that stung more than I expected it to. Here's the thing: in my first year of college, I have come to regard myself as a bitch. I call myself that all the time; I've resigned myself to that identity. But I think that people can mean 'bitch' in a lot of different ways. Most people who meet me probably think that I'm a really nice person, and wouldn't think of using the word 'bitch' to describe me. When I say that I'm a bitch what I really mean is that I'm a realist, I don't put up with people's bullshit, and I don't always put other people's happiness ahead of my own. Is that such a bad thing? For example, I don't want to hear about how you got super drunk last night and kissed your on ex-boyfriend for the thousandth time and ohmygod, what do I say to him now and I can't believe I did that and why didn't you take away my phone, you know I'm a drunk texter! If you ask me for advice (slash come whining to me) about that situation, I'm not the kind of person who's going to tell you that it's all going to be fine and dontyouworry. That's not helping anyone. I will probably tell you something like: 'Hey, it might be awkward the next time you see him but just act casual, and maybe stop making out with your ex all the time and we can avoid all this in the future." Which seems perfectly reasonable to me, but some people just want to be coddled and are less interested in being lectured about how silly they're being. Which makes sense, but I personally feel that people are never going to improve and grow if they aren't occasionally being challenged.

I guess what made my friend's comments so painful was the idea that I am not just disinterested but insensitive. Yes, hearing about people's petty drama and problems-that-aren't-really-problems bores me, and I hate being caught in the middle of things like that. But even though I don't want to hear about you making the same drunken mistakes over and over, if it's coming from I friend I clearly still like them as a person. When I talk about being a bitch, I guess I usually mean that that's how I act toward people other than my friends. If I don't see reason to be friends with someone, I probably don't have much interest in trying to be nice to them. Politeness and common courtesy are one thing, but niceness seems like you are trying to befriend everyone and make them like you. I think that is ultimately fruitless; if someone likes you for who you are, you shouldn't have to try to win their affection. I guess that sometimes I just feel constrained by social norms to be "nice" all the time–but if I was nice all the time, I wouldn't be myself. But hey, maybe I'm just being a bitch.



*Just to be clear, I'm usually pretty responsible when it comes to drinking–until today I have never thrown up from drinking. I honestly wasn't even that drunk last night. Strange.