Bitch

Today's been kind of a shitty day, and not just because I woke up at 8:30, still drunk, and started vomming into my trash can.* I got in a fight with my best friend last night–by far the worst one we've had (in the year that we've been friends). She called me a bitch, and that stung more than I expected it to. Here's the thing: in my first year of college, I have come to regard myself as a bitch. I call myself that all the time; I've resigned myself to that identity. But I think that people can mean 'bitch' in a lot of different ways. Most people who meet me probably think that I'm a really nice person, and wouldn't think of using the word 'bitch' to describe me. When I say that I'm a bitch what I really mean is that I'm a realist, I don't put up with people's bullshit, and I don't always put other people's happiness ahead of my own. Is that such a bad thing? For example, I don't want to hear about how you got super drunk last night and kissed your on ex-boyfriend for the thousandth time and ohmygod, what do I say to him now and I can't believe I did that and why didn't you take away my phone, you know I'm a drunk texter! If you ask me for advice (slash come whining to me) about that situation, I'm not the kind of person who's going to tell you that it's all going to be fine and dontyouworry. That's not helping anyone. I will probably tell you something like: 'Hey, it might be awkward the next time you see him but just act casual, and maybe stop making out with your ex all the time and we can avoid all this in the future." Which seems perfectly reasonable to me, but some people just want to be coddled and are less interested in being lectured about how silly they're being. Which makes sense, but I personally feel that people are never going to improve and grow if they aren't occasionally being challenged.

I guess what made my friend's comments so painful was the idea that I am not just disinterested but insensitive. Yes, hearing about people's petty drama and problems-that-aren't-really-problems bores me, and I hate being caught in the middle of things like that. But even though I don't want to hear about you making the same drunken mistakes over and over, if it's coming from I friend I clearly still like them as a person. When I talk about being a bitch, I guess I usually mean that that's how I act toward people other than my friends. If I don't see reason to be friends with someone, I probably don't have much interest in trying to be nice to them. Politeness and common courtesy are one thing, but niceness seems like you are trying to befriend everyone and make them like you. I think that is ultimately fruitless; if someone likes you for who you are, you shouldn't have to try to win their affection. I guess that sometimes I just feel constrained by social norms to be "nice" all the time–but if I was nice all the time, I wouldn't be myself. But hey, maybe I'm just being a bitch.



*Just to be clear, I'm usually pretty responsible when it comes to drinking–until today I have never thrown up from drinking. I honestly wasn't even that drunk last night. Strange.